I'm Starting To Think I Think Too Much...

I'm leaving here soon. Just need the OK from Elaine, and I'm hitting the road.

I need to head back to Kansas. I'm starting to feel like there was a lot more to Aggy's death than I originally anticipated. I've already called Anne, we're going to meet up there.

It'll be strange seeing her. She sounded happy to hear from me on the phone, although that could've just been fear I was picking up on.

I hope she isn't scared of me.

On a less depressing note, I've been doing a little psyche searching and I've managed to come up with a few memories. They all seem like things from early on in my life, I was probably just a kid when they happened. They are all pretty odd.

I remember a curtain. It was checkered and light blue, and whenever I picture it, it's always against a bright blue sky, with white clouds floating lazily by. 

Like I said, it's an odd memory to have, but it's there. I'm assuming it must have been mine or my families, maybe I used to love looking out windows back then. I still like to now, so the chances are good.

The Australian Picture book, I still don't remember the contents exactly, or the nightmares it gave me. But I remember a general unpleasantness yet at the same time attractiveness about it. I think this is probably the most detailed memory I have.

There's a list of rules in there too. Things I wasn't allowed to do. "Don't wipe your mouth on your sleeve, no cats in the house, keep things tidy,"
There's never a voice that gives the rules, or any particular time I can remember following or not following them, but the rules themselves remain. That's funny, because I guess rules are something that really implant themselves in a kid's mind.

There's a few other odd things here and there, sounds and feelings that don't make sense.

The only memory I have that's a real memory, is more like a quick image of a moment. I can hold on to it for just a fraction of place and time, but I can't see what happens before or after.

I'm lying on my side in the grass, and there are small wildflowers blowing around me. Everything's really out of focus, and it feels like I'm remembering it underwater or something. The feelings that I have with it feel peaceful and pensive, and the memory itself is familiar, like it isn't just one moment but hundreds all smashed together into a single image.

These memories are starting to scare me, and I'm not sure how much I want to remember.

I know that remembering is the right thing to do if I want to find some kind of clarity with my life, but I'm worried about what there is to learn. I'm worried about what Aggy knew that I didn't.

I really need to get out of my own head. It's not a fun place to be stuck in.

- Opal