Happy Make Your Own Head Day

Well I was going to start up by saying the whole world has gone to hell 'again,' but I'm starting to fear if I keep saying that it will lose meaning.

It's time I start dealing with some stuff that's been going on recently.

Let's start at the beginning.

Michael is dead.

Or so I believe. If he is, it means he got what he wanted, and he ended it all himself. Me and him had a last heart to heart, the night before his blog locked down. He gave me his notebooks and a note, and we said are goodbyes.

Didn't want him to die. Not that I didn't see it coming, oh no. He was counting down the amount of time he had left, and for the last month or so I've been borderline begging him to try and fight and make it.

There was also and accident at Hope, which I now believe is no longer up and running. Some people were killed. One person in particular was rather sad to find about, although I'm not going to talk about it here. That would be counterproductive. 

Now I just don't feel very much at all on the matter. I haven't been doing a lot of feeling for the last couple of days. Although there was that unbearable thanksgiving dinner Anne tried to cook. I let her tell you about that when she gets the time. I swear one of the best dinners I've ever had, even with the food. Made me want to cry afterwards.

Other than that I've just been sort of...out of it, I guess. I'm trying not to be mopey, and have been working pretty hard on getting Aggy's stuff taken care of, and trying to figure out her text message.


So far I've got zilch, so I don't know what she was hoping I would do with it.


I feel like a toy. Somebodies pawn in a really horrific game of chess, and I don't know whose side I'm playing on anymore, or even which side is which.

It doesn't matter though, you just have to keep playing the game and trying to win even though you don't care anymore.

Makes you want to set the chessboard on fire, but then what other sad pawns are you killing?

I don't know anymore.

I think Aggy did. I think she might've even been good at this game. She definitely seems to keep hinting that she knows a lot about it. All this talk about winning and being strategical sounds just like her. She really liked games like that, and she used to beat me all the time too. I'm really no good at thi

Hold on.


Change of plans. We're packing up right now, and heading for Arizona.
I'll update when we get there. :)

- Opal

What Am I Thankful For?

I'm thankful I'm alive, and that Anne and Alice are alive, and that somehow the world manages to keep turning on its axis even with all of the horror and atrocities that take place inside it.

This week has been a death week,  maybe the second worst week of my life, and yet I look outside and I see people raking leaves and father's coming home and kissing their children, and people sitting down to eat and feeling thankful for what they have.

The world is sad and beautiful, and every time I acknowledge that fact it makes me want to cry.

We had an interesting thanksgiving dinner tonight, and for some reason I want to laugh and feel happy. How can I? How can I, without feeling like a monster for being happy?

These problems never used to confuse me.

In any case, if anyone out there is reading this, look out your window, and look at life, and smile at a regular person. Please. It hurts. It's wonderful to watch life. Life is gorgeous and amazing and horrible and tragic, but to live life is a gift. Be thankful for that gift, before it is taken away, and be thankful for the knowledge that life will continue to exist, even if you don't.

We should leave Kansas soon. It's high time we started moving again.

Stone

Today was a terrible day, tomorrow will be better.

How many times am I going to repeat that to myself?

Is it ever going to get better?

I feel old.

Hello Blog, I almost forgot about you.

Here I am in Kansas. Yay!

You know what they say right? No place like home.

Although to be fair we're staying at Anne's house. She was very pleased to see that the whole place didn't go up in flames like mine did. (Though I don't know how long that's going to last if she keeps trying to cook, honestly Anne stay away from the kitchen,)

When she made it back to the house she practically crushed me she was so happy to see me. It was a weird feeling. I think she's ignoring the events that took place after I left, which doesn't make much sense to me. Maybe she just doesn't feel like she has it in her to deal with it yet.

She and I haven't talked too much since she got back. She's been sleeping through most of the day, and late at night I can hear her shuffling around doing stuff, like she's suddenly become nocturnal. I haven't pried on it too much because we've all been getting pretty strange hours of sleep over here, but it's almost like she's just reversed her sleep schedule completely. She may just be scared of trying to sleep in the dark, which given the circumstances I don't blame her for.

Alice is getting pretty good with a shovel, although she's been diving under the couch whenever anyone opens the door so we might need to work on how to react in an emergency situation (because I am so good at that aren't I?)

And there is also another addition to the family now it seems. You guys remember Luca right? (I don't blame you if you don't because I barely remembered who he was until he was on top of me licking my face off.) He's Anne's rottweiler. He'd been staying with some neighbors after Anne and I set out for Vegas. After she got back she went and picked him up, and now he's underneath the table drooling on my feet.

I'm a little worried, seeing as how before all of this started I 'had' a cat. However Luca's a bit more burly than she was, and if by chance there's anything lurking outside, he should be able to bark loud enough to alert half the neighborhood.

And as for me.

Guess it's high time I stopped keeping this little secret.

I got a message from Aggy.

Found it a little while after I started staying at the library. 

It was on my cellphone, and from what I can tell she left it right after she died. Like hours before.

You know, I always feel weird watching old black and white silent footage, just because I know everyone I'm watching has died a long time ago. In my opinion it's the closest you can really get to watching ghosts.

Seeing a text from Aggy on my phone wasn't much different. It felt like she was watching me while I read it, waiting for me to send a reply.

The message didn't have a lot on it, all it said was this.

Opal,

If you want to win the game, you have to strategize,

After that there was a series of numbers, (which I'm going to keep to myself, lest someone be reading this blog who isn't looking out for my better interest,) and then this,

Beware the Water,

Stop Burning Books.

Don't Forget.

-Aggy

The reason I came back was to look through Aggy's apartment again for anything I missed the first time. I've been going through it, but the place was a lot neater the second time I visited, which I think means that Aggy beat me to it and straightened up before anyone could find anything.

This is a good sign though, because it means there was definitely something she didn't want anyone else to find. Maybe it was some more research she'd kept hidden, or a clue of some kind.

I'm beginning to think there's a whole other level to her death, and I need to figure out what her message means.

That's really all I have to report on for now.

If anything happens I'll let you guys know,

- Opal

Winter Is Stupid

I'm sure the woodland creatures of Narnia would vouch for me on this one.

Winter is cold, wet,  annoying and it lasts much longer than it should. But here we are, just a few weeks away from the end of autumn, (which sucks because autumn is the best season of them all.)

It probably wouldn't be so bad if the heat in the car was working, but looking back on all my "A/C" problems before this, I can't say I'm surprised. But that's okay, because I have sweaters and we're bundled up tight.

Yes that was a "We're,"

I'll get to that in a second.


I left Hope, which believe it or not feels like a giant weight off my shoulders. Not that the solitary confinement wasn't fun, I guess I just feel happy to be moving again.

Actually, that's the really weird thing. I haven't been feeling too miserable at all these past couple of days. I think I'm starting to get my drive back, which is awesome. It feels incredible to be able to know what I should be doing, because I don't think I've really known since way back in August.

I also seemed to have picked up a hitchhiker.


Alice, (you remember, the girl who pulled me out of a well?) decided she wanted to join me, (heaven knows why) so she's here along for the ride.

According to her, she's here to make sure I stay safe because I managed to end up half-dead in a well, even before I broke my arm, so it's best if I have help.


To be completely honest, it might be better is she's here with me anyway. Hope's been seeming, I don't know...I guess I was a little worried about her trying to manage there on her own, especially with all the stuff that's been happening.



Of course I'm not sure how I'm going to manage to take care of her any better than the people there could.



I going to try and teach her how to take care of herself, and so far she seems much more promising than I did starting out, (and not just because she's about twice my size.) She'll probably be a lot better with a shovel if it comes to that again. Might as well help her equip herself.

It'll probably take a good four or five days to get back to Kansas at the rate we're going. Driving with one arm wears you out. Might be able to pick up the pace a little bit, we'll see.

I feel like I'm starting to get it together, so we'll see how long that lasts.

I'll keep you guys posted,

- Opal

I'm Starting To Think I Think Too Much...

I'm leaving here soon. Just need the OK from Elaine, and I'm hitting the road.

I need to head back to Kansas. I'm starting to feel like there was a lot more to Aggy's death than I originally anticipated. I've already called Anne, we're going to meet up there.

It'll be strange seeing her. She sounded happy to hear from me on the phone, although that could've just been fear I was picking up on.

I hope she isn't scared of me.

On a less depressing note, I've been doing a little psyche searching and I've managed to come up with a few memories. They all seem like things from early on in my life, I was probably just a kid when they happened. They are all pretty odd.

I remember a curtain. It was checkered and light blue, and whenever I picture it, it's always against a bright blue sky, with white clouds floating lazily by. 

Like I said, it's an odd memory to have, but it's there. I'm assuming it must have been mine or my families, maybe I used to love looking out windows back then. I still like to now, so the chances are good.

The Australian Picture book, I still don't remember the contents exactly, or the nightmares it gave me. But I remember a general unpleasantness yet at the same time attractiveness about it. I think this is probably the most detailed memory I have.

There's a list of rules in there too. Things I wasn't allowed to do. "Don't wipe your mouth on your sleeve, no cats in the house, keep things tidy,"
There's never a voice that gives the rules, or any particular time I can remember following or not following them, but the rules themselves remain. That's funny, because I guess rules are something that really implant themselves in a kid's mind.

There's a few other odd things here and there, sounds and feelings that don't make sense.

The only memory I have that's a real memory, is more like a quick image of a moment. I can hold on to it for just a fraction of place and time, but I can't see what happens before or after.

I'm lying on my side in the grass, and there are small wildflowers blowing around me. Everything's really out of focus, and it feels like I'm remembering it underwater or something. The feelings that I have with it feel peaceful and pensive, and the memory itself is familiar, like it isn't just one moment but hundreds all smashed together into a single image.

These memories are starting to scare me, and I'm not sure how much I want to remember.

I know that remembering is the right thing to do if I want to find some kind of clarity with my life, but I'm worried about what there is to learn. I'm worried about what Aggy knew that I didn't.

I really need to get out of my own head. It's not a fun place to be stuck in.

- Opal