We need to leave soon. This is the longest Anne and I have stayed in one area, and we're really pushing our luck. But we can't just leave Aggy here.
She's still out there. I spent most of yesterday trying to get her to talk or do something, but she just ignored me.
Today however, she did talk to me, just a little bit.
I was bringing out some food from the car for her, and when I set it down, she motioned for me to wait.
"You should go," she said.
"We came here to get you," I told her. "Everything we've done was to help you."
"I'm going to die Opal."
This surprised me. The way she said it was so dispassionate, like she was telling me the answers to a particularly boring math test.
"You don't know that," I told her. "Know one knows that for sure."
She didn't argue with me about that though like she normally would. She just went back to ignoring me.
She's out there still, just staring at nothing.
I don't know what's she's gone through, or what's she's seen since she went missing back in August, but she looks so broken and defeated.
When I told Anne about what she said, she thought that it was possible Aggy was out here just waiting for Him to kill her.
I can't let this happen. Not to Aggy.
She's strong and a big head and stubborn dammit, how did this happen? I don't know. Yesterday I was hoping things were going to get better, but I know this is the point where we start to descend into the darkest parts of the night.
No! I'm not giving up! I won't leave her. Not ever!
I'll drag her back into the car if I have to, but I'm not going to let this thing destroy her!
She doesn't have to die... just saying. If he necessarily wanted her to die, she'd already be dead. I know you don't like the alternative, but it IS an alternative. You seem a bit short on them.
ReplyDeleteThat option is just the same as killing her. Everything I know and love about her will be gone. That option is worse than death.
ReplyDeleteHobson's Choice isn't actually a choice.
ReplyDeleteNot necessarily. She could end up like me. And there are many others who recall this life in addition to past ones. It's really a matter of the strength of her mind, how much she resists (which she isn't doing at all now), who indoctrinates her, and what skills from this life she might lose if she's fully broken. I don't know if you read their blogs, but Poe, Messenger, and Hylo's father are all "proxies" who remember who they were. There are many others. Some simply prefer to forget.
ReplyDeleteNow how exactly do I decide this for her? That isn't my choice.
ReplyDeleteKeeping her from getting slaughtered is one thing, choosing how she should live at the rest of her days is something completely different.
Not everyone is willing to take life at any cost Tiger.
ReplyDeleteOpal, I won't presume to tell you what to do. Even if it is an option its not necessarily the right one.
Judging by her actions, she's already decided this for herself, and you're the one trying to veto her choice. She's already told you what she wants.
ReplyDeleteThe sooner you let her go, the better off she'll be. You're the one prolonging her suffering now. If you don't let her go, she may attack you when she comes to the end. Or if she is not that important to Father in the grander scheme of things, he may simply let her die of exposure to spite you.
She said she was going to die, not that she wanted to go join up with you. She's still her as far as I can tell. She's just...given up on trying to survive.
ReplyDeleteI promised to come troll you and haven't done it yet. But here I am!
ReplyDeleteI think what the tiger person is saying is she made the choice to die and it's you refusing to accept her choice and instead trying to keep her alive. But if she is alive, she will become a proxy. So either accept her choice or accept the alternative.
Does that sound right? I almost hope not. If I'm able to sum up your situation having read merely the comments on one post (and not even the post itself), that's kind of pathetic.
I don't remember you saying that. I remember me commenting on your blog, and you telling me that was pointless or something. Good times.
ReplyDeleteYou're half right. She doesn't want to die, I know she doesn't, Aggy's not that kind of person. And even if she did want to die she'd just have done it herself. But when she said it, it was like a statement.
It's like she thinks it's over. But it isn't she's still here, and she's still alive. And she got all the way to Nevada by herself without losing it. If anyone on this blog is a fighter, it's her, but she's giving up, and I don't know why.
Actually, I don't think she's made the choice to die. I think she's made the choice to wait for Father to see what happens, and her only concern is what might happen to you if you don't leave.
ReplyDeleteThis is akin to the argument for euthanasia, you know (which when I first heard the term when I was a kid, I wondered why was everyone picking on the youth in Asia...hah). When someone is terminal and you force them to live, all you do is trap them in a bad situation and make them suffer for your peace of mind. By staying and trying to force your decisions on her, you're trapping her in a bad situation. Let her go, and she may yet live. Keep on what you're doing, and she will most certainly die.
I don't think she made a choice at all, which is worrying me. And even if your case was right, I want to hear it from her. She doesn't want to talk to me.
ReplyDeleteI came 800 miles just to find her, and dragged Anne into this mess and her family, and at the very least all I want is a damn explanation. Why she felt the need to leap out of a moving car just to go sit on a bench and stare at a lake. Why she can't just get in the car. What on earth happened in the last two months that changed her so much. Or at least just get her to blabber on about tumors or some neurological drug for dementia like she did back when we were roommates.
This isn't like her.
Well, I don't want to think she's a "camper" if you're familiar with the term.
ReplyDeleteJust ask her. Ask if she's waiting to die. Ask if she's waiting for father. Ask, point blank. Seems to me you've just been tell her what to do. Try asking.
That's just what I'm saying, I have, (though probably with differed wording,) and if she were acting like herself I probably wouldn't have even needed to do that much.
ReplyDeleteSo I don't know what to do.